"Brace for impact" said my internal voice. Wait, what do you mean? It means, prepare yourself for the unsought chaos your own shadow is creating. Fuck. This full moon has shed light on aspects of myself I long thought to be normal. I do not feel comfortable with stability. The time frame is different on each occasion. Nine years, five, just six months. Before I walk into the darkness of what I will define as my subconscious. Causing ripples of havoc. For it to feel safe. I've come to find out this disruption looks and feels the same, every time. Revealing itself through the sensation of being trapped. By responsibility, resistance to creativity, solitude, screaming neighbors, constant drilling from THE OTHER neighbors. As if the place I choose to go next won't have or create those things as well. I mean, it does help my motivation to move to the mountains away from everything human. Not realistic, though.
How does this anarchy come about? In the way of resourcefulness. Which makes it hard for me to tell the difference between needing/wanting to sprint forward vs. moving forward. I have to prove to myself that I can unearth the short roots I have grown in the place I am in. Pack, move, hustle, struggle and settle. In a new town, village, country. More often than not, I chose sprinting (not to be confused with actual sprinting. I run like a turtle on vacation). Until now. Maybe the reason being, the situation I find myself in is much different. In the sense that the consequences of my sprinting away and leaving, holds a deeper severity for those around me. Two days it took me to dry the tears and follow the light out of the heavy dark place I went to. Twice, I found the ice cream in the fridge not the freezer. Yeah. Exactly. I was not present. Just darkness. But I didn't eat the whole pint. (sigh) Small wins are important too, you know?
The feeling of wanting to move forward is fantastic. Knowing how and when is perhaps one of the hardest lessons I am in the process of learning. Today the full moon will reach it's brightest phase. No better day to acknowledge this fate. AMOR FATI.
What does (my) darkness taste like?
It’s sour lemon flavor drizzles the soul
A vast hollow empty space (light is breaking through)
Colorless nothingness you can savor
Hopelessly surrendering to its intention
Can I have that with vanilla ice cream, please?