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Brzeg: Metamorphosis (Instar number 1)

What does being happy with my body mean for me?  Am I truly happy with myself? Or, is confidence a shield I am depending on. An excuse not to commit to getting in the best shape I have ever been in my life. If I am completely honest, I think it is definitely more of the latter. Sometimes confidence overshadows my potentiality and desire to cross the line from comfortable to hard earned physical endurance. This past year’s experiences have led me to take a good hard look at the beliefs I have of myself, how I relate to others, how I’ve been living my life. All of this has informed who and where I am today. Certain recent events have made me realize that complacency is an all too easy setting for me to fall back to. One thing I kept noticing is my inability to commit to some things fully. Yes, I have taken many risks and moved a lot trying to find my way. And I will keep moving. I now understand that. I accept the challenge. Being of a nomadic character takes a certain amount of commitment. Will I stay in one place? Who knows. I embrace (and quite enjoy) the unknown.


What I am referring to, is to truly dedicating my full attention and time to reshaping my body to its absolute best state. Shedding the chrysalis. The cocoon of the image I have of myself as the chubby one, always with a little something extra. I believe there is nothing wrong with that. If you love yourself the way you are, keep doing that! For me it is a different challenge. This image and feeling has always been there in the shadows. Creeping in at times when I least expect it.  More so when I am feeling the most vulnerable and open. It stops me in my tracks and prevents the true sensuous, inspired, spirited being I am from expressing itself.  Though today I can say, after some years of therapy and personal work that I truly love who I am; looking back now, I feel I should not have been that pleased with myself. I dare say, I lost myself in the comfort of it all. I was not doing my best to take care of my mind and body.  

Walking through the enchanted forest behind my apartment. I start thinking how Poland seems the oddest place to attempt a transformation such as this. But if not now, when? I’ve already seen my life and that of others flash before my eyes. This is what inspired the journey I began in August of 2018. So why waste more time? It’s quite funny that I say this, because for a whole year I would jokingly tell the friend I was traveling on and off with: “I’ll start my diet tomorrow”. (If he knew, I can imagine he would laugh too!) Well, tomorrow is here.  The goal? To reach my dream weight and get my physical and mental body to its absolute best condition. Finally releasing my self. Shedding every pound of weight that binds me to a past that no longer serves me. Embracing the wildness and fire that has always guided me. I am an Aries after all. Taking a moment to really think about what I want my life to include from now on. Surfing trips (beginner, of course), yoga, living vegan/low waste, closer to nature, a role on Netflix’s The Witcher and doing theatre across Europe. It’s time to finally step up and show up to the plate and batter the fuck up! Have my body meet up with the lifestyle I want to have for the rest of my adult life. I mean, I will still eat and enjoy cookies, chocolate and ice cream. Just maybe not in an eating my feelings kinda way.  

During the first week, counting calories sucked major D. For a second there the rebel in me whispered. Pfff, you can’t tell me what to do. I know how to eat well. Do I really, though? I’ve actually been paying more attention to how I am feeling when I am eating. And though I am back to a vegetarian, mostly vegan diet. Over eating can still be a problem, feelings can become unnecessary cravings. Counting calories has made me realize that. As far as an exercise regimen goes. (Sigh) After 15-20 minutes strength and abs workouts. It is good to know that small efforts are better for me than big compulsive ones. Small steps towards the joyful, fitter life I now have on my path . The plan, run and workout a little in the morning. Followed by a short strength workout at home after work. I am very happy to be on this journey and the friend who inspired it would be proud!    

On week three I decided to test something different. For my runs I’m guiding myself by the time not the distance. It feels better to do it this way (I reached a personal best in distance and pace). My pace keeps getting better each time. I’ve also decided to use some motivational “fuck yeah, you can do this” internal monologues to keep the tiredness at bay (Thank you #NovemberProjectLAX for always being with me in spirit!). Which was a big hurdle, I had to overcome on week two. You can catch me giving high fives to the trees on the trails like a flying fairy now. I have never in my life thought of myself as a person with a mini pack on my abs but I have to say, the work is paying off. Though I end up like an exhausted star fish on the floor afterwards. I sometimes wonder how this would have affected me had I made the effort to get fit sooner while traveling in Mexico and Central America. 


This is just the beginning of a complete metamorphosis. INSTAR number one. Instar is the development stages insects such as butterflies go through. There are five stages in total. Each stage shedding an old shell of what the original caterpillar used to be. The beginning stage of a transformation I have held back for a long time. I am excited to see where it goes. It is hard sometimes because the progress goes back and forth. The old belief of: “Oh, it’s ok if you don’t this. Stay comfortable” tries to take control. I shake it off. Keeping the end goal in sight is the most important. Turning off the comfort setting and turning the dial all the way up on trusting myself to do this. Growing into something new. Taking advantage of this unique opportunity to follow my own path, leading me to instar number two.  

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