Quarantine: Metamorphosis (Instar Number 5)
“That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our lives as fate.” – Carl Jung
Hello Shadow, it’s me. I have met you before but we never really connected. Though most of the time I have lacked the awareness to recognize you. I must confess. I am pretty tired of you sneaking into my life uninvited.
I am ready to play this out with you.
I have traveled far and wide and shed many layers. This last instar is going to be uncomfortable. But I can take it. Go ahead. Bring it on. We are going to go through this together. I am ready to earn my butterfly wings and set flight.
As I have been exploring more and more the dark side of my mental moon. I came across an interesting take on the story of Persephone as explained by the author of “The Existential Kink” Carolyn Elliot. She proposes the idea that Persephone, wanting to explore her duality and humanness decided, unconsciously. To create a reality where she could explore these desires. The story of her origin as queen of the underworld is a bit more complex. But it is not the first time I’ve read about this theory. Author and activist Rebecca Solnit also described Persephone’s journey as one of discovery and experimentation with the dark side of herself. Huh? Interesting… I feel this is one of those moments the universe is giggling over in the corner. Enjoying my realization at the synchronicity of it all.
So here I am. Eating the delicious pomegranate seeds (metaphorically, of course) that will transport me and my shadow to the dark, weird and dare I say existentially kinky underworld of the subconscious. Don’t worry, I’ll explain why below.
For the past nine months I have dabbled in everything from positive, manifestation practice. Wholeheartedness living to positive psychology. Yes, I know. I sound like a self-help junkie. And now “The Existential Kink” practice has shown up in my life. All of these ways of understanding myself, THE self. Have become a magical chest of pure pleasure and pain I can access at any point in time. The EK method though, has obligated me to dive deep into the motivations and repressions that eventually show themselves in patterns of behavior. Patterns, I have been trying to change for a very long time! With the EK techniques you do deepest fear inventories (among other exercises) everyday. Tear them up and release them. This has been one of my favorite tasks. Like I have mentioned in other blog posts. CATHARSIS feels amazing to me. Accepting, enjoying and laughing at how silly my shadow likes to be in order to get its way.
It has helped me open up even more about the not so nice things that have happened in my life. In what feels like a more organic way of releasing, fear, pain and mental blocks. Thinking good feeling thoughts is not bad. But they are a bit fleeting and sometimes unreliable.You can think great positive feelings. Thoughts your ego will enjoy. But your shadow, a.k.a your subconscious will enjoy tearing them down even more. I will still practice positive thinking only with a stronger dose of realism. The EK technique has given me the opportunity to explore ALL parts of myself. Including the most important to me and the one I have kept hidden the longest. My green witchy side. I have been enjoying my magical, herbal medicine, kitchen spells, crystals and nature loving self for some time now. Only I’ve been shy about it. Almost ashamed of it. For fear of being judged. Not anymore. With all that is happening in the world? FUCK IT ALL!! I am going to be the healer, teacher, traveler I was meant to be. Consider this not only, a review of all the self help methods I have used to feel a little bit more whole. But also my coming out of the witchy broom closet confession.
Allow your magic to shine and flow! (Photo credit: https://www.instagram.com/g.inevra_void/)
Aiming to understand your shadow is not easy work. And I expect more days like today. As I was completing the deepest fear exercise I broke down in a deep primal sob that felt so good I couldn’t even believe it myself. Letting go. Then I continued watching Kittisaurus videos on youtube feeling lighter and more refreshed. I know it’s a long road ahead but my shadow feels somewhat brighter.
I hope you will try this for yourself. See how it goes. I’ll leave you with a quote from “The Existential Kink” book I think perhaps explains it better.
“Landing fully, right here, right now, in incarnation, opens up the horizon of what philosopher Jacques Derrida called “the absolute future,” the future unconditioned by past patterns. It is through the absolute future that magic comes in. Turn off the spotlight. Turn on the luminous dark. Open to the absolute future.”