Sitting by my window during the April 8th full moon traversing through the sign of Libra. An inspired thought came to mind. The image of the mysterious lady holding up the scales in the heavens. Balance, justice. As if the stars were also asking, how will I react to this moment in time. On the one side of the scale (as I interpret it for myself). Libra holds anxiety, fear and panic. On the other, equanimity, love and patience. Like a pendulum in full swing I have been flapping around from one side to another trying to find balance. I was going to use the word “oscillating” instead of flapping because it sounded a little bit more graceful. But let’s face it, my brain is a fucking mess. I am flapping around like a bird with no sense of direction. Hoping to find some understanding and clarity regarding mine and our uncertain future. Desperately trying to relocate the flight path I was on a couple of months ago. All of the meditation I have practiced up until this moment has felt a bit useless. It has been very hard for my mind to remain still and calm.
Then I remembered a passage from one of my favorite books “A Field Guide to Getting Lost” by Rebecca Solnit. In where she talks about Justice and how she stood by the gates of Hades deciding who would go in. Wait, you mean that I can be chosen to go through hell? Yes. She wrote :“You can only be chosen for refinement through suffering, adventure and transformation…. Go to hell, but keep moving once you get there, come out the other side.” She added, “Justice is helping each other on the journey.” We all have been chosen to go through this moment of refinement and transformation. How will we get to the other side? How will we end up transforming ourselves? Will we take this opportunity to re think the way we live and treat the Earth? This all remains to be experienced and seen. I stand in front of Hades’ gates waiting for my turn. I attempt to prepare myself with curiosity, acceptance and hope. Trying to find moments in the day where I can see the way forwards. Breathing slowly and deeply. Or just sobbing uncontrollably, that’s ok too. If I keep swinging from side to side between anxiety and equanimity. So be it. But I am sure as hell gonna keep trying to reach the other side. Something tells me it will all be worth it in the end.
Today is April 23rd a new moon in Taurus after Earth Day. Embodiment, roots, connection and regeneration are some words that filter through my mind. The ban to walk in the forest has been lifted. I rush out to play through the enchanted forest hoping for some inspiration, motivation and fresh air. Thinking about my new intentions for this new lunar cycle. Embodying patience. Rooting myself in the connection I have with friends. Regenerating mental and physical strength. May it be so. As it is above so below.
Nature, the gentlest mother Impatient of no child, The feeblest or the waywardest,— Her admonition mild Excerpt from the poem NATURE, THE GENTLEST MOTHER by Emily Dickinson
P.S. Dear incredible special man friend, who has been there for me. When I have been unable to see clearly and have succumbed to the harshness of being quarantined by myself. Danke very much! Thank you for listening and making me laugh over the phone. I hope to repay you someday soon with an endless amounts of Nutella and hugs.
P.P.S. To every person helping us with keeping the shops open, transportation going and hospitals running. May the universe shower you with the energy of a thousand suns. I (we) will always be eternally grateful for your service.