Nicaragua: Magic Is Real

Once upon a time, there lived a little girl so afraid of her sensitivity that she decided to create shields that would protect her from being too vulnerable. Decades later as that girl grew up to the woman I am today, the shields became more of a hindrance than a protection mechanism. My mind would go over and over conversations I should be having with people. Conversations about boundaries, love, sex, you name it. My mind went through it. But then came the outward silence. I would say nothing. That all changed in Nicaragua. A fertile land full of vast jungles, volcanoes, lakes, stretches of beaches that seemed to reach the other side of the world. And ocean waves thundering down so heavily you could feel the sand shake. This is where the new story begins.

Nicaragua, a country going through it's own transformation. As they try to recover from a crisis created by individuals who are trying to impose the same shields, I have been trying to rid myself of. Only on a bigger, more oppressive scale. I am not one to talk about their experience in their country, only my own.

In this case, the adventure took me on a heart-expanding journey I wasn’t expecting. Where I had to show up, be brave and courageously say what I had been wanting to say to the amazing soul I had been traveling with for almost a year. Never had I said “I love you” to someone I cared so deeply for. Intuitively I felt my time running out. Perhaps ignoring it a little, hoping the outcome I had played out in my head was magically going to happen. In my mind the story went like this: I would say “I love you” and he would say “I love you too, we should keep traveling together and you should move back home with me when I return back to Europe.”

We came to Ometepe. The incredible island on Lake Nicaragua that is home to two volcanoes. Concepcion is the biggest of the two and we decided to climb that one. The toughest most grueling hike I’ve experienced in a while. After the difficult uphill climb, we came out of the great jungle to a clearing in the clouds with winds so powerful I felt as if it was going to lift me off the ground and take me into the sky. Grey, cold, and a bit scary. We turned around and came back down. A day after the climb I decided I was going to take the leap and say what I wanted to say. I went in, knee deep in anxiety with a knot in my chest when I blurted out “you know, I love you” what came next took me back to the top of the volcano. A grey, cold, scary place where I felt my heart get sucked into the dark whirlwind leaving me behind empty. He decided we should go our separate ways.

During our time together he would jokingly call me a witchy woman who believed in the magical realm of fairies, Forest spirits, and whispers of the wild. I have always relied on my connection with that. To understand what may be happening in my life or where I should go next. The morning after, we said our farewells to each other. In tears I walked out the door in direction to the other side of the island. To a place within the woods, steps from the lake, called El Pital: a chocolate paradise. After a tearful walk to the entrance, I look up and find a big colorful sign with fairies that said: “MAGIC IS REAL”. I laughed and sighed knowing I would be ok and well taken care of by that which we perhaps cannot see.

Out of this experience, I learned a few things. One, being courageous is NOT easy but worth it. Now, I feel weightless and more in tune with my true self than ever before. Shedding perhaps the toughest shield of them all. Two, always love first. No matter what. Walk into the space or situation with love. Then walk out, with love. Every time I feel the sadness coming up, I tell myself “love and expand”. Going back to a place inside time where I can imagine how amazing it would have felt to be together. This exercise has made the biggest difference. As I go through this transformation to a more truthful version of myself. And three, magic is real! For all of us. We just have to try to be open and willing to embrace it.