Rapture: Accepting Stillness
It’s hard sometimes to remain in one place for a longer period of time. The mind starts playing tricks on me. Whispering, “Keep moving. What if you miss something important in the next place. It could be your last chance.” So began my experiment of accepting the situation and exploring a different way to manage circumstances such as this.
The hypothesis for the experiment? By surrendering to my external conditions and saying yes to the experience I would be able to find joy and accept the stillness. Calming the mind and momentarily pausing my travels to finish the job.
Because of certain financial necessities. (Meaning, I have to stay in one place to make money to move on to the next.) The decision that I have to remain somewhat stationary is made for me. Wanting to travel more and explore Costa Rica, before ending my Central American adventure. I took a job at Rapture SurfCamp in Avellanas Beach. The first week was rough. The restlessness took over. I began concentrating on the things I didn’t like. Saying to myself, I’m sure if I leave the next place will be better. Immediately looking for an escape. This time, I decided to stay and take a closer look at what I was going through. Instead of packing up and moving on.
These past two months have been hugely transformative. Both physically and emotionally. Certain situations altered the whispers in my brain to screams. Anxiety, tears, fear all came knocking at my door. I questioned (and almost became ashamed of) every decision I have made so far, my age, my ability to commit, my going with the flow lifestyle. One morning as I was struggling through meditation, curiosity took hold. And it interested me to find out the definition of the Surfcamp’s name, Rapture. I had heard the word used before, thinking I understood the emotion behind it. Clueless as to its actual meaning. I typed it in and the aha moment lit up my brain as I read the dictionary. Rapture: a feeling of intense pleasure and joy. I giggled. You have to be fucking kidding me. Universe, you have a wicked sense of humor. I’m in a place that in essence is supposed to be joyful. And I’m making it seem like a retreat into the underworld. Hades Surfcamp, I thought it should be called.
Questions started coming up. How do I measure joy? What is stillness, really? What is my true motivation for wanting to move so much? All very good questions that will take more than this essay to answer. But I will share this: The moment you decide to sit with yourself and accept where you are. Little by little, things start getting clearer. Allow yourself the space to go cathartic! Release, give up on grasping that which you think might be ahead of you. I day dream about it, sure. That’s where I find the joy. To experience the wonderful feeling I will go through when my day dream becomes a reality. When it happens, is not up to me. I can only remain still and wait for the next inspired action to guide me.
As for the reason why, I was so anxious to keep moving? I don’t have a complete answer for that yet. For now, I’ll continue working on the reasons to stay.